Standing still

For the past several months, it seems like things have been at a standstill. Following reasonably positive opening discussions, I became crazy busy with work, and BB with his school and final exams. It was a crazy time and I guess we never prioritized us particularly. So, there’s that. The other issue is that I keep trying for the follow-up discussion. The part where BB tells me something. Anything. I need to know what’s going on in his head even if I can fairly deduce at least some of it. It feels like I’m the sexual deviant out on a ledge all alone. At what point does refusing to engage in the discussion mean I’m truly on my own as opposed to just being uncomfortable with the subject matter? I really don’t know. 

Now, BB is done exams and free for the summer. He’s been away but I’m seeing him later today, finally!! I’m not looking forward to raising the topic again if it’s going to be another deferral/avoidance. Should I do it anyways? Or do I wait for him to be ready to talk about it (in 100 years)?

Lawyer Tips

I recently stumbled on this piece of genius. I know at least two of you out there will appreciate this. It’s sadly a little too biographical as of late.

So funny, so sad, and so unfortunately true. 

Finally, just so everyone knows when they get to the post concerning comma usage, I have crazy strong feelings on the Oxford comma. That’s not sad or crazy to have opinions on proper comma usage. 

Mic drop šŸŽ™

Little things

BB and I went skiing today. He usually carries my skis for me. Because he’s big and strong and I’m not. He usually helps me with my boots. And today like a child I managed to zip my coat up wrong so the zipper came apart from the bottom. He sighed, and said “you really do need constant supervision”. šŸŽ€šŸŽ€šŸŽ€

I swear I’m a capable, grown woman. But damn, I love being his little princess.

Overdue introspection and update

It’s been ages since I’ve written anything here. That’s in large part due to being sucked into the vortex that is work, including an appeal and several other hair on fire matters. You know, the stuff that has to get done immediately, if not sooner. The stuff that piles onto an already full practice. The stuff that edges into your real life. The other part has been due to identifying those parts of real life I must prioritize and spend time developing. That has included contributing at home and putting aside time come hell or high water to spend with BB. 

The second component had been necessary and rewarding, and I think unwittingly also an expression of submission. Prioritizing him and our relationship above other things whenever possible. We have spent time together like we haven’t in forever. And I have spent time performing acts of service at home that fall below my pay grade in the sense that they are low value economically but serve to show BB love in the way he understands it. I’m also trying to just be (somewhat) obedient by doing things if he asks me to do them, almost more so if I find the requested task tedious or annoying. 

I’m not sure if it is the consequence of the foregoing or what precisely, but things have been so great lately. We talk more and laugh and generally enjoy each other’s company. He’s so affectionate and hugging me and kissing my forehead and telling me he loves me. And, most deliciously, I’ve been getting relatively enthusiastic reactions to requests for spankings and the like. 

The other night, I told him I thought I needed a spanking and I handed him a wooden spoon from the kitchen. He told me that he preferred bamboo and picked up his long bamboo back scratcher. He then sat down on the bench at the end of the bed and motioned to his lap with the bamboo. I took my clothes off and lay down across his lap and he proceeded to administer a series of strikes on the back of my legs, my bum, and my back. He was slow and deliberate, periodically checking to see if I was wet. I was. He finally told me to get on all fours on the floor, which I did. I waited for something to happen and… Nothing. I peeked behind me and he was just observing me. It was simultaneously embarrassing and arousing. He finally came over and started hitting me again, harder this time. I kept making noises despite his admonition to keep quiet. He stuffed a sock in my mouth to quiet me and kept on hitting me. Eventually, he pulled the sock out and replaced it with his cock, choking me with it. He was hard fast and pulled out and returned to enter me doggy style. I was naughty and loud again, and the sock was quickly replaced in my mouth as he continued thrusting. Holy crap it was hot. Probably the best sex we’ve ever had. For both of us! He’s very obviously into this kink thing and becoming increasingly comfortable with aspects of it. 

So, I guess the lesson for me in all of this is that patience remains a virtue that bears hot, sexy rewards, and that showing my love for BB in the language he understands (acts of service) gets the message across and results in him feeling loved and reciprocating the feeling. 

Ascertaining MeaningĀ 

Someone suggested that I expound on what it means to me to be BB’s little pet. Perhaps the more accurate question is what it would mean if I could be his pet. After all, I’m really not his pet now. I might never be his pet if it’s not what he wants. 

In the interests of full disclosure, I think it would be some combination of his babygirl/little princess and his pet (meow šŸ¾). For simplicity’s sake, I will refer hereafter to pet but I mean all of the foregoing. 

I think the heart of the issue is I want to be his completely. If I could be his pet I would be free to express all of me to him. I would be vulnerable and allow myself to love him the way I have I think subconsciously avoided doing all these years for fear of loving too much; having too much to lose. As his pet the real me could bubble to the surface and in my dreams he would express his love for me back as my Daddy, strict and adoring. Here’s the rub, though. He does love me. He loves me ferociously and deeply. I know this. I just don’t know that he wants to express it the same way I do. To his credit, he’s trying to get on board with “this”… 

Every time we try to talk about this and I try to express how I feel and what I want, I end up crying. I just get overwhelmed and emotional. It’s insane and I’m sure I’m not helping. 

For years I thought that kink was just sex. The only sex I wanted, to be sure. I mean literally the only thing that’s ever turned me on, ever. But in the past six months or so I learned what more it is and what I could be for me. D/s is a language, a manner of expressing oneself. And it somehow feels like unless I can express myself that way and unless BB reciprocates in the same manner that I’m in danger of losing out on something very important. Maybe I’m measuring myself against others or a D/s fantasy I’ve created. But to be his pet I would be 

  • Adoring
  • Adored
  • Submissive 
  • Dominated (i.e. loved and protected)
  • Free (but deliciously bound as much as possible)

Image from Google. 

Bravery and fear of rejectionĀ 

Each time I try to open up it’s scary. I will work up to sharing a single sentiment, terrified all the way, finally blurt it out or text it, and then want to retreat and hide away. Then I cleverly never bring it up again in the hope that BB will pick up the topic, share his thoughts, and alleviate my crazy. That never happens. And it’s hard to persist through the fear of rejection. I can’t seem to break the cycle of burying my true self and presenting the more palatable, more vanilla version instead 

It occurred to me that if I continue in this manner, I’m never going to get what I want and BB is never going to know the real me despite well over a decade together. That seems like a waste. Especially if he wants the kinky me, the real me. And let’s get real; is he going to reject me because I’m too kinky? Is he really going to reject me? To be clear, I’m an anxious ball of lunacy on a good day, so maybe I’m over-thinking this. Regardless, the fear is real. I thought this would get easier after the initial foray out of the closet, but it’s not. Not yet, anyway. Not even after some lovely positive reactions. 

Last night after a little interlude, I worked up my version of courage and texted him a couple of scintillating photos from the Internets (that’s never not going to be funny to be) with the words “I want to be your little pet”. He was in another room and I was in bed. That’s probably the most explicit thing I’ve communicated to him so far. He didn’t text me back, I fell asleep, and a bit later I awoke to him kissing my forehead. Sigh. So, confirmation from my lovely WordPress community: am I crazy? What do I do to quell the fear and continue pursuing this life I want? 

 Both photos from Google

Too little time

So, this month has been a gong show. I had intended to take a week off in early January because I was too busy in December to make that happen. Instead, I’m on my way to a solid 220 hour month. My “vacation” week I “only” billed 19. Ugh. So this post is less to complain and more to explain why I’ve been AWOL. 

On a related note, how the Hell do any of you guys stay connected in these circumstances? What a challenge. It also sucks to have to be in Bad-Ass Lawyer Bitch mode 100% of the time, despite more or less killing it at work.  

That all said, we managed to have a few minutes alone together on a couple of occasions. Both occasions involved BB repurposing a bamboo back-scratching stick which he has declared is his new favorite toy. He’s clearly interested in my sexual perversions but still unwilling to articulate anything. Not really, anyway. The one thing that’s become clear this month is that I want a Daddy. I’m keeping that to myself for now since I want BB to figure himself out first before I add anything else into the mix. 

In conclusion, that was a terrible rambling post about nothing coherent. I’m going to call it unfiltered and authentic and pat myself on the back for writing at all.