Bravery and fear of rejection 

Each time I try to open up it’s scary. I will work up to sharing a single sentiment, terrified all the way, finally blurt it out or text it, and then want to retreat and hide away. Then I cleverly never bring it up again in the hope that BB will pick up the topic, share his thoughts, and alleviate my crazy. That never happens. And it’s hard to persist through the fear of rejection. I can’t seem to break the cycle of burying my true self and presenting the more palatable, more vanilla version instead 

It occurred to me that if I continue in this manner, I’m never going to get what I want and BB is never going to know the real me despite well over a decade together. That seems like a waste. Especially if he wants the kinky me, the real me. And let’s get real; is he going to reject me because I’m too kinky? Is he really going to reject me? To be clear, I’m an anxious ball of lunacy on a good day, so maybe I’m over-thinking this. Regardless, the fear is real. I thought this would get easier after the initial foray out of the closet, but it’s not. Not yet, anyway. Not even after some lovely positive reactions. 

Last night after a little interlude, I worked up my version of courage and texted him a couple of scintillating photos from the Internets (that’s never not going to be funny to be) with the words “I want to be your little pet”. He was in another room and I was in bed. That’s probably the most explicit thing I’ve communicated to him so far. He didn’t text me back, I fell asleep, and a bit later I awoke to him kissing my forehead. Sigh. So, confirmation from my lovely WordPress community: am I crazy? What do I do to quell the fear and continue pursuing this life I want? 

   
 Both photos from Google

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9 thoughts on “Bravery and fear of rejection 

  1. Just keep going. I understand. I have emailed him articles on the hardest things just so he can wrap his brain around it before I had to face him. It takes time and when you think you have it all out you find more. It sounds like he has been positive in his responses so far. That is wonderful. He may not give you everything but he will accept you for who you are. The more you reveal and he accepts will strengthen your bond greater than anything you have experienced.
    forehead kisses are the best 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A little pet who lays her head on his lap for her head to be stroked and a sweet kiss on the forehead. The pet looks up with adoring eyes.
    But I would love to read what being his pet means to you. You might be surprised at how sweet it can be…from the heart

    Like

  3. “I want to be your little pet”. He was in another room and I was in bed. That’s probably the most explicit thing I’ve communicated to him so far. He didn’t text me back, I fell asleep, and a bit later I awoke to him kissing my forehead. This is so touching and sweet.
    For me this would be an action my Daddy would take to show me I was his little pet.
    I looked at the pictures above and thought about being his pet and what I needed to do to feel that way. I am taking the focus off his actions of making me feel like His pet. Focusing on me instead. I then thought about what does “being his Pet mean to me” ? what things do I do? As in the picture above I do sit at this his feet holding his leg. He reaches down and strokes me.
    It is the simplest of things yet so meaningful.
    I don’t know your situation but I see so much hope and love in your relationship already. How can he know if you don’t show him these little things? Just a thought. We tend to keep it simple.

    Like

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