Each time I try to open up it’s scary. I will work up to sharing a single sentiment, terrified all the way, finally blurt it out or text it, and then want to retreat and hide away. Then I cleverly never bring it up again in the hope that BB will pick up the topic, share his thoughts, and alleviate my crazy. That never happens. And it’s hard to persist through the fear of rejection. I can’t seem to break the cycle of burying my true self and presenting the more palatable, more vanilla version instead
It occurred to me that if I continue in this manner, I’m never going to get what I want and BB is never going to know the real me despite well over a decade together. That seems like a waste. Especially if he wants the kinky me, the real me. And let’s get real; is he going to reject me because I’m too kinky? Is he really going to reject me? To be clear, I’m an anxious ball of lunacy on a good day, so maybe I’m over-thinking this. Regardless, the fear is real. I thought this would get easier after the initial foray out of the closet, but it’s not. Not yet, anyway. Not even after some lovely positive reactions.
Last night after a little interlude, I worked up my version of courage and texted him a couple of scintillating photos from the Internets (that’s never not going to be funny to be) with the words “I want to be your little pet”. He was in another room and I was in bed. That’s probably the most explicit thing I’ve communicated to him so far. He didn’t text me back, I fell asleep, and a bit later I awoke to him kissing my forehead. Sigh. So, confirmation from my lovely WordPress community: am I crazy? What do I do to quell the fear and continue pursuing this life I want?